40k: Enough with the Rending, Already

"Chewbacca! What a wookie!"
- Supernova

.... this article will be updated as time goes on ....

40k. Is 40k. It's fun. Lately I've been playing Hordes.

There's a number of things about 40k that are just ... I don't want to say 'broken'. People love playing 40k, I love playing 40k, if people love it it must be a good game. And it is. A game. Like Sorry! or another game with dice, that's all it is really. OK. I'm lying. It's not just a game. It's the fucking ruined battlefields of the 41st millennium and THERE CAN BE ONLY WAR!!!!

Here's my 40k bitch-list.

1. Rending.

Enough with the fucking rending. It's gets to the point I hate the word. "Oh does that have 'rending'". "Yep." "Oh OK so everything dies."

You know what should have rending? Yep. Rending claws. You know, Tyranids? Bug-monsters from hell? Space Hulk? Ripping through panels on a space cruiser? Those guys. With the 'Rending' Claws. They're even called that. It's in the name. Deamonettes have rending. That's fine. I don't care if Deamonettes have rending. They're demon-bitches and they have those big fucking claws on them. That's fine.

You know what else should have rending? Nothing. Nope, not even that. Nothing. OK Shrike can still have it and MAYBE, ONE weird Chaos weapon/character of some kind. It doesn't even need to be a USR, just take it out of the rule book and put it in the army books. The only reason they even made USR was because Hit&Run was fucked up. And then they nerfed Raptors.

The problem with rending isn't infantry, it's vehicles. Besides rending claws here's the list.

1. Assault Cannon.

Does it need rending? No. It's a multi-shot S6 anti-infantry large caliber machine gun. It's a Heavy Bolter with a shorter range. It's a perfectly adequate weapon. If they want it to be better, give it more shots and give normal dreads the option of tank hunters, and give all tactical terminators the option of tank hunters (regardless of whether they are Blood Angels etc). They're terminators. They're dreadnoughts. They're bad-ass. They probably know their way around the battlefield better than their commander for all that Rites of Battle BS.

Should it have rending? No. It doesn't even make any sense. Have you ever heard the experiment where you can throw 1000 ping pong balls with one force unit at a window and not break it, but if you throw one rock of 1000 force units at a window it will break? That's what happens when you shoot a Land Raider with a large caliber machine gun. Nothing. Armour piercing weaponry is pretty advanced science. You can't just keep throwing rocks at a tank and think you're going to penetrate the hull.

2. What else has rending. Harlequins have it now but I'm saving it. Lightning claws. Lightning claws don't actually have rending. But it would be cool if they did. They had something similiar in 2nd ed. Space Hulk was Genestealers vs Terminators. Genestealers have rending. Terminators have Lightning Claws. If it has anything to do with Space Hulk, it must be good. Lightning Claws are cool. If not rending, give them 2d6 armour pen like Chain Fists. Does it need it? Sure. Should it have it? Why not?

3. Something else has rending. OK Harlequins. Harlequins get it now. Since I'm a weird nerdy Eldar player I know the Harlequin Kiss used to wound on a 2+ and did not ignore armour saves.

Does it need it? What's wrong with the wound on a 2+? It's a Witchblade without the armour piercing. OK so Harlies get Furious Charge, maybe it's not such a bad idea giving them rending over wound on 2+ (since they can take advantage of the S4 on the charge). I don't really know what they could have, to be honest. Maybe re-roll to-wound like Living Ammunition.

Should it have it? Again, vehicles. It's the Eldar equivalent of Living Ammunition -- it's a poison weapon basically. On a furious charge rending hit (1/3 of hits after the vehicle has been moving) it counts a S10 weapon, same as a blow from a Carnifex, Dreadnought or Wraithlord. It can destroy a Land Raider or demolish a small building. No it should not have rending.

4. Eldar Rangers count as AP1 on a to-hit roll of 5+/6+. That's a cool rule. Sisters of Battle get something similar. Not rending, but armour piercing. The AP1 Sniper Rifle can technically get a pen when the AP roll is a tie but that's cool cause it can pen AV 11 on a roll of 12 anyway. Since that's just how awesome they are. The Sisters of Battle rule gives them AP1 on a wound roll of 6+. Doesn't effect vehicles. Those are cool rules.

5. Shit, that's what it was. Death Company. They gave the Death Company rending. I guess they're just REALLY REALLY pissed the fuck off. "For Sanguinius!!! AHHHHHH! Fucking Mephisto that guy needs to learn to chill." No, and no. Enough with the fucking rending. Use some imagination.

2. Tau vs MEQ

Stand and shoot Tau vs assaulting MEQ is a cliche. Tau shoot, MEQ die, MEQ reach the lines, Tau die. See who wins. It really just comes down to rolling dice. Something's wrong with the game. I'm not saying it's not fun, it's just not fun when you've done it more than once or twice. You know how much that shit costs? You wonder why Ebay is full of Tau armies. Should you be able to fire stand-and-shoot weapons (heavy and rapid-fire) on the move? A sort of reverse twin-linking where you have to hit twice for it to count? Maybe scenarios can change, or deployment (more use of deep strike and better use of reserves). Fixed army lists? Or maybe things are fine and it's just a game meant to played for fun.

3. Imperial Psychic Powers

Librarians are WAY overpowered. Inquisitors (especially Inquisitor Lords) are underpowered. Fear of the Darkness is overpowered. So is the pinning one. I don't care. It is. It's my bitch-list. Witchhunter Inquisitor powers are OK. But they could be better. They kind of suck, actually. There's no reason why they can't be better. Ordos Malleus powers are all about fighting demons. And that's it, really. They could stand to have a couple more powers that effect the enemy's morale in some way, or even Eldar-esque helping powers. "For the Emperor!" Hopefully when Ordos Xenos is done all Inquisitors will get a bit of a boost. Cause they're cool.

4. Monstrous Creatures and Vehicles

Lots of people complain about this, it must be a valid point. I like the rules for vehicles, I don't think there's anything wrong with them. It's only a six turn game. You get smoke launchers to keep them alive. They can pop on one shot or they can last all game. If your plan revolves around them take two. People don't like vehicles because your opponent can score a moral victory by popping your favorite unit with one shot. That's why it's called Heavy Support. You get Troop choices for a reason. Now get out there and seize some objectives.

Monstrous Creatures tend to be more reliable, ESPECIALLY the ones with 4++ invulnerable saves. No invulnerable? Run them through a forest. And they don't suffer from Crew Shaken, either. I have to admit they could probably use a small nerf. Maybe give each existing Monstrous Creature an extra wound and then make certain weapons cause multiple wounds. Or how about this: the number of wounds caused is based on a difference between the strength of the weapon and the toughness of the MC. So if you hit a T6 MC with S7/S8 it causes 1 wound, and if you hit it with S9/S10 it causes 2. Certain weapons could have bonuses to this, and certain MC's could have rules mitigating it.

5. To come ....